The ILID Practice
A simple way to tend what changed.
ILID — I Let It Die — is a four-part practice for tending endings. Especially the endings that don't get funerals, rituals, witnesses, or clear names.
The body that changed. The friendship that faded. The role you outgrew. The dream that no longer fits the life you're actually living.
Try the guide first. If you want some help along the way, I walk you through it in this video.
If it mattered, and it changed — grief may be there.
Most of us were taught to look for grief only after a death.
A person dies, and so grief finally has a name. Legit. But the body keeps a longer list.
- —the body that changed after surgery, illness, birth, menopause, aging, or recovery?
- —the friendship that still exists in your phone, but no longer lives in your life the way it once did?
- —the work you built, the version of yourself people knew, the role you performed beautifully, the dream that shaped your decisions?
- —the community that once felt like home? The expectation that low-key organized your whole vision of the future?
- —the project you're still good at, even though some deeper part of you knows it may be time to let it die?
If it mattered, and the relationship changed, grief may be there. And if grief is there, tending is needed.
ILID stands for I Let It Die. A four-part grief literacy practice for tending endings — especially the ones that never get a funeral, a ritual, a witness, or a name.
It's for the losses that live inside changed relationships. And relationship, here, is not only about people. We are in relationship with —
When one of those relationships changes enough that it no longer lives in your life the way it once did, something in you may still be reaching for the old form.
That reaching is information.
That ache is information.
That resistance, numbness, anger, procrastination, confusion, tenderness, relief, irritation, or exhaustion may be telling you that grief is in the building. ILID gives you a way to slow down and ask what the grief may be asking of you.
The four movements of ILID
You don’t need to understand everything about your grief to begin. Start with something that changed or ended, even if you’re still figuring out what you lost. The four movements help you name those losses, look into what they meant when they happened, and recognize how they’re affecting your life now. From there, you can decide what needs care.
You can move through the practice with a journal or someone you trust. It can also be used in a communal circle, or with a group experiencing an ending. You may return to an earlier movement as you recognize more about what happened.
Interrogate the losses
Something brought you here. Maybe you’ve been avoiding a task, or your body tightened during a conversation. You might have heard a song and remembered someone you no longer talk to. Or you’re looking at a life you chose and noticing that parts of it still hurt.
Start there and ask what changed. Interrogating the losses means asking questions that help you name what ended and what you lost within that ending. You can take your time with it.
One change can involve several losses. When a child moves away, you might lose everyday time together and the familiar routines you shared. After surgery, you might be grieving a change in your body, along with the future you expected to have in it. Leaving a job can mean losing people you loved seeing, even when you’re glad you left.
You might begin with “My child moved away” and then recognize “I miss knowing them through the ordinary parts of our day.” Give yourself room to name what you actually lost.
- What brought me here?
- What changed or ended?
- What did I lose when that happened?
- Were there other losses within that change that I haven’t named?
- What do I notice in my body as I name this?
Look into the losses
Once you’ve named the losses, look at what they meant in your life when they happened. What did you have to adjust to, and what did it cost you?
You might remember being relieved and scared at the same time. Maybe you had to keep working, or take care of other people, while trying to understand what had happened to you. There may have been very little time to feel anything before the next thing needed doing.
Look at the circumstances, too. Having someone to talk to might have made a difference. Being expected to carry on as usual might have meant keeping much of the experience to yourself.
You can know a change was necessary and still wish you’d had more care through it. This movement gives you room to look at how it was for you back then, including feelings you didn’t know how to explain.
- What did this relationship, role, or part of my life give me before it changed?
- How did I feel when the loss happened?
- What became harder or was no longer possible?
- What did I have to do to get through that time?
- What support did I have, and what did I need that I didn’t get?
Intimacy with the losses
Now come closer to how this loss is affecting your life today.
This is what I call the haunting: an untended loss still influencing your choices and your life now. You may recognize its influence in something you avoid, or in how you respond when someone gets close to you.
Maybe you stopped sharing work you care about after a painful experience, and you’re still keeping it to yourself years later. Or someone takes a while to reply, and you find yourself expecting the same ending you experienced in another relationship. You might still be organizing your days around a role you no longer have.
Becoming intimate with the losses means getting close enough to recognize these connections. You don’t have to force an explanation for every feeling or decision. Stay with what you notice and consider whether some part of what happened still needs care.
- Where do I notice this loss in my life now?
- What feelings come up now when something reminds me of it?
- What do I avoid because I’m afraid of experiencing something like it again?
- What am I expecting in a current relationship because of what happened in an earlier one?
- What am I still doing to get through something that has already ended?
Decide on the Death Care
With a clearer sense of what you lost and how it’s affecting you now, choose an act of care.
Death Care is the tending you choose for an ending that mattered to you. What you’ve recognized in the practice can help you decide where to begin.
You might write a letter you don’t send, or ask someone to listen while you talk about what happened. You could change an expectation, set a boundary, do something that feels like ritual or ceremony, or say out loud that you release it. Sometimes the care is making room to cry about something you had to get through without crying.
Choose something you have the capacity for now. You can tend an ending in your own time and return when there’s more you want to care for.
- What needs care now?
- What do I want to remember or honor?
- Is there something I’m ready to release, or something I want to repair?
- What is one act of tending that feels good enough for now and safe enough to try?
From grief-struck to grieftending.
Grief-struck is when something has changed and your body, spirit, and behavior are already responding — even if you haven't named the grief to yourself, let alone out loud.
Grieftending begins when you stop dismissing the change and start offering care to what mattered.
Attention is the first form of care.
Keep ILID nearby for when something changes.
A simple downloadable version of this practice — print it, share it, bring it into a journal, or use it when something in your life has changed and you need a place to begin.
Use it for a relationship, a body change, a work transition, a creative ending, a role you've outgrown, an expectation you're releasing, a dream that no longer fits, or a version of yourself that no longer lives in your life the way it once did.
Download the ILID Practice Guide ↓And if this language helps you name something you've been carrying, you're welcome to stay close. I write more about grief literacy, endings, savorism, and body grief here on Grounds.